*10.02.2025
This is going to be the first entry to this page! I don’t really expect someone to seriously read these but its still nice to have a public journal. I myself would definitely reread these in some time (and that’s also a good writing exercise for me).
Tomorrow I’m having a meeting with a lady who will help me find a job. Don’t know if that’s going to be a series of visits because I’m pretty sure she’s doing some consulting too so we’ll see how that’s going to turn out.
It really bugs me that I couldn’t find a job this winter. This whole year was kind of a mess, definitely not the way I was expecting it to turn out. I turned 18 this October and it’s really hard for me to grasp on becoming socially functional as a teenager. I really do believe I used to be much more mature at the age of 14 than now. A child in adults’ body, huh.
As a kid I would have never guessed that the future me still has the same exact problems I had back then. Life feels almost the same except its not so intense anymore – I’m in much safer place now but simply waking up has become so tiresome, very little fulfillment I feel now. Makes me wonder if that’s just what having an adult brain is like…
Depressed would be a word I’m willing to describe my state in the past year, was being suicidal for a while this summer too, but it did get better since. I know something is going on in my head and I do recognize the pattern now but it’s so hard to get better when I have little to no resources to get some real help. I do realize that there is no award for overcoming this on my own but I can’t even bring myself to talking with a friend or a family member about it. Whatever it is with my brain.
I’m kind of developing this website in order to get myself together in some way. With time I slowly losing interest in Art and stuff, even though I still label it as The Thing I Religiously Enjoy. Yes, I am making all of this about my art in order to become passionate about it again. I just hope I wont drop it any soon.
There is a photo of my breakfast today too. Now I’ll try to actually post it on my Neocities. Bye.
